The Poweriser Jumping Stilts let you fly several feet up into the air, springboarding across hard concrete surfaces as if you had some sort of kinetic-energy-storing devices attached to your legs. Which is great, and fun, until eight minutes in, when you fall at slightly the wrong angle and snap your fibula. Don’t believe me? Check out the review where the purchaser describes these as leaving his teen looking “like he had jumped through a wood chipper.” Then he gave the product five stars anyway. Apparently, hurting a child is just what this man wanted.

This is slightly erotic, Wallmonkeys Wall Decals, but this is for my erotic living room and I know you got something better than “Man Kissing His Blindfolded Wife.”

Yeah, get some butt in the picture!

There we go. Full nudity. I knew you could do it, giant wall-decal company. (Unblurred images available on the actual product listings, but I can’t show them here, since you’re probably reading this at work or school.)

Polaroid, for some reason, is still making cameras. They spit out 2×3″ digital prints of the digital photos it takes, and they cost $179.99, and you have to buy special paper for it, which is also expensive. Someone out there must be buying them, or they would have stopped by now.

I was wondering if this rubber face-slimming mask really worked, so I thought I’d give it a try.

Yes? No?

The HD Spy Pen is a $10 pen-camera, which records hours of HD video to SD card and has a mini-USB port to transfer video onto your computer. It is the #1 best-seller in the “Hidden Camera” category. Also, you are now aware that there is a “Hidden Camera” category of items for sale, and that lots of people buy them, and that you’ve probably already been recorded on someone’s hidden camera, even if they weren’t a Google Glasshole.

The pregnant mother gazes lovingly at her bulging midsection. “Feel the boom,” she cackles, and cranks the Nuvo Ritmo Pregnancy Sound System to maximum volume.

The ad copy promises to let “future mom and dads… record their own voices for the baby to hear” but who are we kidding? Your fetus is already behind the times, musically, and if he or she doesn’t experience the hard-sync blasts of Darude’s “Sandstorm” before being born, they’re going to grow up listening to ragtime or something.  

The vaguely named “Vomit Mix Capsules” are $16.95, and described by the manufacturer as containing “a proprietary mix of herbs.” No details on what the herbs are, and no picture of the product except for a tiny picture of a woman barfing. The same manufacturer sells “Asthma Mix,” which has a single, one-star review claiming his Asthma Mix Capsules were expired by the time they arrived. Hey, you want a proprietary mix of herbs, you gotta accept that they might be expired.