Since I can still get Nixon masks down at the seasonal Halloween store, it’s likely these Obama masks will be around for decades to come, perhaps even when Cyber-Jayden announces in his 2034 State Of The Union speech, “America, you have all of my feels. I can’t even.” So it’s not exactly timely for costume manufacturers to be releasing the “Barely-’Bama” (above), the no-eyes Creepy Obama, or the giant, flat “Your eyes look through his nose Obama” mask, but they know their market will be buying these for a long time.

If you’re going for lack-of-realism, the Obama Party Face is the winner, though it’s the Obama-combos which take the cake. The “Barakula Mask” depicts our head of state as a pointy-eared vampire, which is at least half of an effort, but my favorite (i.e. worst) is the Obama Pumpkin Head Mask, which combines the President’s face with a pumpkin, for no apparent reason.

Taking care of your child isn’t embarrassing. But packing food, towels, and diapers into a big camouflage bag labeled “COMBAT DADDY” in huge letters definitely is.

Dude! Pumpkin-suit guy! You don’t have to hang yourself. Just take off the pumpkin suit. There are plenty of better things for you to wear. Like this suit covered in $100-bills. Or a suit in poker-chip-and-card print.  

What house doesn’t need an almost-$500 taxidermied raccoon, immortalized in the act of eating Cracker Jacks? (The Cracker Jacks are included.)

You may never have run across one of these, but the premise of a “recipe in a jar” is that someone sifts together dry ingredients for a recipe and gives it to you as a “gift.” Your duty, as the recipient, is to add milk, eggs, butter, and other perishable ingredients, and then cook it, and then clean up after yourself, and then, purportedly, eat the recipe of unknown origin. Adding to the mystery of this book in particular is the fact that it has a ton of 5-star reviews that just say “Love it!” and are not suspicious at all.

I will gladly eat almost anyone’s home cooking, but I will never, ever cook someone’s weird recipe they found somewhere and put in a fucking jar.

In this year’s rundown of sexy women’s Halloween costumes, I’ve posted the women’s costume on the left, and the men’s costume (i.e. how the character actually looks) on the right. Just in case you thought the main character from Monsters Inc. had exposed, tanned thighs showing between his short skirt and leg-warmers.

“Gotta go… fast,” Sonic The Woman Hedgehog sighed, slipping on her ankle-warmers and three-inch heels.

I could show you sexy women’s versions of what men are doing all day.

Just like society.

“Liquid Trust” is a tiny, expensive bottle of body spray that contains oxytocin, designed to make other people trust you when they smell you. It doesn’t work in this way, since oxytocin is not very volatile (i.e. it doesn’t go from liquid to gaseous phase and disperse in the air.) You won’t experience any effects from the oxytocin yourself, either, since it doesn’t readily absorb through skin and wouldn’t cross the blood-brain barrier even if it did.

If you’re looking for a way for people to like you and trust you more, I’d suggest you try to be less of an asshole.