This “de-cocainized coca leaf” is like O’Doul’s, except for cocaine. All of the bitter, disgusting taste of coca leaves, with none of the cocaine.

Compare this to the 5-pound bag of poppy seeds, which, according to its #1-best-seller status and 60 positive reviews, contains relatively high concentrations of morphine and other opioid analogs. “They go very well w my bagels,” remarked one smart-ass home chemist.

If you’re going to walk around with a loaded handgun, why not leave that ol’ thing hanging out in your “Gun Tote’n Hobo Handbag” and keep your hand on it the whole time you’re out of the house. It’s like a dreamcatcher, but instead of catching bad dreams, you get really scared because you saw a minority, and you shoot them.

The Nicodemus Coffin Bed is a padded coffin whose slogan is, according to the product listing, “Why buy a casket for just one day?” In case you thought it was just a bed, they add “Use it as a coffin when the time arises.” It looks less comfortable than the quilted, padded Star Legacy Deluxe Casket, but at least it’s not the $59 corrugated-cardboard special.

The movie “Retardead” is about a group of intellectually-disabled young adults who are turned into zombies. When turning someone’s disability into a joke, it’s necessary to tread carefully, which, as you can tell by the tagline “They’re Not So Special Anymore,” the writers and directors failed to do. And, bizarrely, it’s not the first movie that did this. It’s a ripoff of the 2007 movie “Special Dead,” which, if you’ve got to rank horror movies that make fun of the disabled, is only slightly better than “Retardead.”

“Retardead” is by the makers of “Monsturd,” a movie described by one reviewer as “makes Sharknado look like Citizen Kane.”

You’re no doubt familiar with Cards Against Humanity (now in its 6th iteration.) It’s the popular card game that allows you to say things like “Shitting midgets ate my grandma’s corpse” or “Hitler”  in an open-ended comedy-game format. But as the free market allows games like this to thrive, it also mercilessly continues to fill out the niche with imitators. Look at Cads About Matrimony, a marriage-themed ripoff of the Cards Against Humanity format. Or Crabs Adjust Humidity, a “raunchier” version of the original. The latter has been so popular (i.e. profitable) that it’s got four different boxes’ worth of cards. Imitation is the sincerest, and most lucrative, form of flattery.

EDIT: My buddy @cheesegod69 just showed me another one: “Cards For The Masses.”

The Photojojo Spy Lens lets you photograph subjects at a 90° angle from the way your phone is pointing, so they won’t be able to tell you’re taking a picture of them. It would be easy to play it off as a harmless toy, but the manufacturer’s own pictures show it being used to take a picture of someone on a public bus without their knowledge, as well as someone hanging it around the corner of a locker room, complete with creepy grin.

If you want to let Foodie Dice determine what hip combination of ingredients you should use in your next meal, then go for it. But for my money, the hottest foodie dice you can roll is going to one of your city’s food trucks. Will your artisanally-brilled dog dick give you salmonella? Will it cost $14 or will you luck out and pay only $11? Will you have to wait 30 minutes, or will you get it in a jiffy?

(A jiffy is a food truck term for 22 minutes.)