The answer is easy: Intuit, makers of TurboTax, has spent over $10,000,000 lobbying the federal government to keep it from reforming the tax code. Both Democrats and Republicans have been recipients of lobbyists’ money on this issue, and both have kept tax-reform bills from passing.

Your W-2 and 1099 forms should be arriving by the end of the month, so unless you’ve got the dough for an accountant, you’ll probably have to use TurboTax 2014 unless you’re in the mood to sweat out a stack of forms with a pencil, a calculator, and a heavy sense of resentment towards everyone involved.

Are you tired of your duct-tape wallet looking like an Etsy sort-by-low-price page? Throw your handmade DTW in the trash and treat yourself with a Ducti professionally-made duct-tape wallet. It’s a dipshit look with a regular-wallet price tag.

Dad, please. Take off that Long Sleeve Clubbing Shirt With Embroidery! You look like–

Dad. Please.

These ladies wrote a book telling people to give their children chlorine dioxide (bleach tablets that you put in a hot tub) to cure their autism. And, unfortunately, it seems like a lot of people did what she told them.

What is “Earthing”? It’s a medical hoax that purports to cure your ailments by connecting you electrically to earth. This is a conductive mat which comes with a huge alternative-medicine price tag, and like most hoax products, it’s made out of about five bucks’ worth of plastic and wire. You plug it into your wall socket, where it connects to the ground plug, and then the magic starts.

If you’re convinced that this isn’t horseshit, you can read the book “Earthing: The most important health discovery ever?” The answer to that is probably no, but maybe you’re really gullible, and you want to get an even more expensive Earthing sheet set for your bed, and nail your ass to the ground while you sleep.

The seller of these “breast melons” is perpetrating a hoax. This picture comes from an art installation in Vietnam, not from an actual plant that was grown from seed. (I can’t show the nipples here, as stupid as that sounds, but the original picture’s on the listing.)

They’re regular squash seeds, according to the reviews of people who bought and grew them. It’s more believable than the people selling blue strawberries, but it’s still not real, unfortunately.

I thought I’d take a moment to write my own x-rated fortune cookies, because these aren’t very “x-rated”, and they’re not funny. If it were up to me:

Tonight, a mysterious presence will crank you off.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a hog-crank.

You will soon embark on a magnificent journey, on a bus, so you don’t have to drive, so you can crank it.

Fortune favors the hog.

Crank the hog while it is still hot.

You can click through to see what they actually say, but I’ll warn you: mine are better.