The seller’s description of this is “Mens Sexy Wear,” but I think “The Blue Nightmare” might be a better name.

Or maybe “Hellephant.”

(“Elephant Nose Underwear” refers to something else, so unfortunately, it can’t be called that.)

Go ahead, cut your pizza with a pair of pizza scissors. Open your wine bottle with a pair of pliers. Use a second iPhone as a stylus for your iPhone. After all, there’s a finite number of ways to do something effectively. But the world of bad decisions is infinite.

Kaqun Water is one of dozens of “oxygenated water” scams that claim that it “alkalizes your body” and “detoxifies” you. Even though it costs $15 a bottle, it does nothing, as you might expect. There’s no way to effectively dissolve a significant amount of gaseous oxygen into liquid water at room temperature, and even if you could, you wouldn’t absorb it through your stomach and intestines. Your body’s only effective way of absorbing oxygen is through the lungs.

The only real way to get more oxygen (O₂) into water (H₂O) is to add hydrogen peroxide (H₂O₂) to your water, which, thankfully, Kaqun Water has not done. Drinking hydrogen peroxide would damage your gastrointestinal tract, or kill you, depending on how “detoxified” you wanted to get.

This shirt, which says “It’s Mother-Fucking Booze Time,” is neither funny nor groundbreaking. But if that’s your thing, type your credit card number into the e-store and live your life the way you want.

There is nothing dignified about The Man Sack, a kinda-testicle-shaped fanny pack, but there are fifty states in America, and none of them are called Dignity. That’s probably why a “frequently bought with The Man Sack” item is Tea Bagging, a reusable tea-bag shaped like a scrotum.

You won’t be able to fully grasp the insanity of the Ascension Healing Pyramid unless you read the description, which suggests specific orbs and symbols to be used with it to maximize your healing.

If you’re looking for something smaller, to heal, say, exactly two apples, then you’d probably want the nine-inch pyramid. Check out the pictures of this one to read up on the schizo-math that goes into healing exactly two apples inside a copper pyramid.

I’m not sure what they mean by merkin in “Chicken With Merkin” here, but I’m guessing it’s not (!!NOT SAFE FOR WORK!!) the same merkin I think of when I read the word merkin.