What is the Apex Bioenergetic Homeopathic Imprinter? Obviously, to you and me, it’s a medical scam being sold for over $500 to gullible people in search of a cure for their ailment. But the manufacturer says it “captures the body’s bioresonance” and causes a “healing response.” Which are definitely real things.

I strongly urge you to read the long, insane description they’ve provided themselves, since I don’t have the space for it here.

Hell yeah! Load me up with the dirt that caused the potato famine!

Of course, the potato famine was caused by a combination of factors, including British oppression and fungal blight, but the dirt didn’t help.

Also, a shamrock is just a fucking clover, and “shamrock seeds” are clover seeds, and not worth over a hundred bucks.

You wouldn’t think that a discredited pseudo-scientific treatise from the 1700s would still be in print, but:

1. Here it is

2. Thousands of people online today abide by a doctrine they call “no fap,” claiming that abstinence from masturbation cures their social and physical illnesses.

There’s also “Images You Should Not Masturbate To,” though that’s a more recent book, whose cover appears to show a naked Ron Paul chopping through a frozen lake with an axe.

A perfect match for the Driving Barista, the AutoExec RoadMaster Car Desk allows you to file paperwork and use your laptop while you blaze down one road or another, oblivious to your surroundings.

This “sauna face mask” makes your face sweat, which supposedly causes it to become more firm. I don’t believe it, but more importantly, I wanted to show you these pictures.

Day 3. They say we can remove the masks soon, but I’m not sure I believe them. I’m not sure what I believe at all, any more.

Day 17. We’re all going to die here. It’s just a matter of time. Mask works well, though. Four out of five stars.

The music on “Dance Before The Police Come!” is about what you’d expect for a dance-music album from 1990, but the cover’s one of my favorites of all time: two oiled-up, shirtless men calling themselves “Shut Up And Dance” command you to dance. With swords. And a pair of nunchucks. And the police are definitely coming soon. It’s in the same league as, perhaps surpassing, “Big Bear: Doin Thangs.”

If for some reason you’re still into bacon as a thing, the “Tastes of the Portions of the Swine” t-shirt would probably be perfect for you.