When you’re using Duck Tape to fix something, does it really matter how it smells? To some people, apparently, yes. The least objectionable one is probably the Orange Cream flavor, above, but there’s also a Grape (yuck), Bubble Gum (barf) and a Cupcake (?!?!) version in case your stomach’s not turning yet.

Bizarrely, you can also buy the bottled scent of an actual duck, although duck-scented Duck Tape doesn’t seem to be in the works yet.

There is a 70% chance your mom and a 94% chance your stepmom has one of these Primitives By Kathy boxes with words on it in her house. I picked this one out because it only makes sense if you’ve never heard the word “pilates.” Even if you think it’s pronounced with “pilots,” it wouldn’t sound like “lattes” unless you pronounced that “lots.” Live, laugh, love, I suppose.

(Also, Kathy, if you put a turtle on an escalator, the turtle would be terrified, and you’d be a weird asshole for bringing a turtle to a mall.)

If you look at a regular recipe in a cookbook and think “sure, this tastes good, but it would be epic as fark if I added bacon for no reason and drew a bunch of fucking Rage Faces on it,” then this is the book for you. Pair any of the recipes with Lester’s Bacon Soda for a memey treat that only the worst could stomach. Such Doge. Many 2012-era t-shirts. Such wow.

Fondue is more than melted cheese. It’s getting people together to have a group dining experience, laughing and forking bread and apples around a rickety metal pot. The Fondue Mug sidesteps this by allowing you to create fondue by yourself, on the couch. It comes as a set of 2, but let’s face it: this just lets you have fondue by yourself twice before washing the dishes.

Shreddies are insanely expensive underwear that claim to filter your farts with activated carbon so they don’t smell bad. The reviews are mixed, but they seem to work better than Subtle Butt, a fart-filtering device whose name I like much better. And both of them seem to do better than the anti-flatulence chair pad, which one reviewer, presaging this very write-up, described as “it works, but not as well as the underwear pads.”

Neither of them hold a candle to this fart hat, though.

This t-shirt is a combination of an ugly Christmas sweater and a “this shirt is actually my skin” t-shirt, but somehow worse than both. The “Bad Santa” shirt sports a thicker sprinkling of chest hair, along with a tribal, if that’s more up your alley, for some reason.

They fucked up by not naming either one of these “Hairy Christmas,” but then again, there’s a horrifically bad album called “Very Hairy Christmas”, so maybe they didn’t want people to think it was the same guy. (You can listen to the album on the MP3-download page, but I don’t recommend you do.)

(Thanks to @TheBlackNerd for the tip.)

In the vein of HTML For Babies comes “A is for Array,” a book that brings the drudgery of programming a computer to your child’s life like a turd in the night. At least neither of them are CSS For Babies, otherwise known as “Your Baby’s An Inch To The Left Of Where He Should Be And You Can’t Fix It.”