When will manufacturers learn that we like our phones for distracting us from bullshit, not “controlling” the bullshit? Whether it’s The Neato Botvac (above) or the Roomba 980, the simple task of cleaning the floor gets abstracted into a thousand-dollar nightmare. The Philips Hue system allows you to control your house’s lights with your phone, if you’re willing to spend hundreds (or thousands) of dollars and wind up scrubbing your finger on a phone app for twice as long as it would take you to walk across a room and flip a switch. And the Koubachi is a $150+ gadget that tells you when to water a single houseplant, in case the concept of “pour a little water on your plant every day” seems too complex not to replace with a phone app and a piece of plastic.

Since I’ve started this site, I’ve gotten people responding “More like the BEST thing for sale!” to some of the items I’ve posted here. I decided in January to track the number of “best things for sale” responses I got to specific items, and I’m presenting them here as a bar graph. The bars are sized to show relative “best things for sale”-ness. The size of each bar is based on the number of responses claiming the item to be actually the best thing for sale, as a sum of Facebook, Twitter, and email messages.

Nic Cage pillowcases
Lincoln Riding Bear
Pounded In The Butt By My Own Butt
Draft Beer Jelly Beans
Invisible Unicorn
Images You Should Not Masturbate To
Easy To Make Haircut At Home!
Hot dog bucket hat
Jazz pattern mug
Mac’n'cheese Button
Exploding Kittens
Goosh Pants
Cat Skeleton Candle
Bacon Deodorant
Pumpkin Kit-Kats
Cummed-up mouse pad
Eau My cologne by George Takei
Introductory Calculus For Infants
(Donald) Trump: The Game
Baby Up In This Bitch
Cuchini Camel Toe Pad
One Pound of Lemon Starburst
Serving the Prime Minister: A Canadian Romance
Nun Sucking A Unicorn’s Horn
www.thug.com: The Album
Drunk Hunt: Nintendo Flask
Pubic Hair Toupee
I Want To Be Bacon When I Grow Up
They’ll Think It’s A Cane Until It’s Too Late
C-Word Mug

The KoolKarton is a bed-frame made out of corrugated cardboard. It claims to support 1000 pounds, although, obviously, if it’s not kept completely dry, or you sleep on it for longer than a few months, or you use it for anything other than sleeping, it’s going to collapse. Or, as one customer mentioned, if it’s damaged during shipping or packed incorrectly, it won’t be able to hold any weight at all.

That doesn’t mean that there’s no use for corrugated cardboard, though. This kit lets you make a cardboard playhouse for your kid, and they can draw all over it, and sit in there and talk to themselves and play Nintendo. And just like the bed frame, when it inevitably falls apart due to the inherent flimsiness of cardboard, you can throw it in the recycling bin, confident that it will be made into something useful. Like an Amazon Prime box, with a new cardboard playhouse inside. Ashes to ashes, box to box.

An indoor dog-piss pad teaches your dog to pee in the house. A yard can be expensive and hard to keep alive. Fresh Patch manages to be the worst of both worlds, enabling you to create a tiny inside-yard full of real grass for your dog’s urine. The manufacturers encourage buyers to “conveniently” replace the $19.99 + $10 shipping box with a new one when the urine smell gets too bad for you to handle. Personally, purchasing and receiving boxes of sod via UPS sounds like the least convenient thing that I could do with my life, but to each his own.

Oh yeah… gotta have those dark beans…

I get it.

I get the joke.

Aaaaahhhh. That’s better.

Supposedly a “christmas ornament,” this is a realistic-looking plastic turd you give to someone, for some reason. The manufacturer wrote up some kind of reasoning for it, which you can read, if you feel like you don’t already get the joke.

If you didn’t already have enough trouble fitting your giant iPhone into your pocket, you can now put an even larger silicone case on it that’s shaped like an ear. At least it’s not shaped like a hand, requiring you to hold a squishy hand made out of rubber dildo-material whenever you’re using it.