For the price of just a few months’ worth of health insurance, you can own this enormous malachite pyramid. (Check out the picture of a lady holding it, for size.) It may not do anything, but, as the manufacturer explains, “Please do not expect something that looks like it was made in a factory.” Yeah! Fuck the factory pyramids!

If you need something less pointy to heal, you should go with this 46-pound crystal ball, described as a “high altitude orb gem” that contains “green phantoms.”

Celebrate the headless women in your life with this shot glass set, which I’ve pixellated to meet the stringent no-glass-boob requirements of today’s workplace. (You can see the full-glass-nudity version on the manufacturer’s listing, if you must.) There’s also a huge version of this that holds fifty ounces, if you’re a guy who insists on drinking all of your drinks out of a titty-and-butt.

The bucket-fort you see here is the Legacy Premium Food Storage system, which you can eat while you’re locked in the basement of your home, prolonging your post-apocalypse life for as long as you can make 4,320 meals last. Assuming you have water, and the air isn’t poisoned, and you don’t get hurt, or get an infection. And, then, assuming the apocalypse is still raging onward when your food runs out, it’s into the wasteland to scavenge what you can find, be it flora, fauna, or your neighbor’s freeze-dried food supply.

Thankfully, no one buys stuff like this, because fear doesn’t sell products, especially not fear of apocalypse and death. We’re rational beings, and allay our brains’ chemical response to threats by careful and considered thought. Free will is real, and homo sapiens has thankfully transcended the stimulus-response paradigm of life to become post-animal models of logic and reason. If that weren’t true, then we would be doomed to repeat our obvious mistakes, both personally, and in society at large.

It connects to your phone via Bluetooth. It sells for thousands of times the average price of a backpack. There’s really no way you can go wrong.

The Transpotimers is a novel about bitcoin-based time travel. You should at least read the “Look Inside” sample for the author’s true (???) story about becoming a “computer moron.”

“Computer moron” are his words, not mine.

The rush to turn the most recent news item into merchandise is always gross, but making fun of an old man who was dragged off a plane by cops and then smeared by the media in complicity with a billion-dollar corporation is the corn cherry on the shit sundae.

As Easter approaches, you may wonder: how can I take the joy out of the tradition of coloring and dyeing Easter eggs? The answer, of course, is Egg-Bot, the computer-controlled Easter egg decorator.