You searched for: “dog

Artisanal Foodie Dice

foodie-diceIf you want to let Foodie Dice determine what hip combination of ingredients you should use in your next meal, then go for it. But for my money, the hottest foodie dice you can roll is going to one of your city’s food trucks. Will your artisanally-brilled dog dick give you salmonella? Will it cost $14 or will you luck out and pay only $11? Will you have to wait 30 minutes, or will you get it in a jiffy?

(A jiffy is a food truck term for 22 minutes.)



Reiki For Pets: The Book

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Reiki is the name of a faux-medical scam that involves the practitioner touching your body with their hands, and then imagining that healing energy is coming through their hands into your body to heal it. (I’m not joking or exaggerating – that’s actually what Reiki is.) Since it’s alternative medicine, and therefore not able to be subjected to the scientific method, its practitioners can do whatever they want with their imaginary healing powers without being subject to regulation.

Bringing alt-medicine to the world of animals has to be lucrative, then, because unlike a human, a dog or rabbit won’t know you’re a lunatic when they see you approach them, adorned in crystals, crazy look in your eyes, murmuring, “I have healing energy in my hands.”



Whistle, The Dog Tracker

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The Whistle Activity Monitor For Dogs is a bluetooth collar that pairs with your phone, allowing you to track your dog’s food intake and exercise habits. If you’ve been struggling to micro-manage your dog’s carefree, happy life of treats and running around the yard to sniff things, this is the e-dingle for you. Plug your dog’s stats into the app and hitch them to your hell-existence of daily data entry.

At least it’s not as expensive as the Tractive GPS Pet Tracker, whose apparent use is to enable you to let your dog wander around freely all day, coming back only at night for device syncing and data transfer.

Pet Pee

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The PetZoom, a tray with a porous pad on top, lets your dog urinate inside of the house. It’s a great way to get your dog used to pissing inside the house. It holds up to a gallon of liquid, so it’s also a great way to keep a gallon of dog piss in a shallow tray on your floor.



Beer For Dogs

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You might be looking at the product packaging for Bowser Beer, wondering “How is it beer if it’s non-alcoholic and contains no hops?” The answer is: It’s not beer at all, it’s just a mixture of barley, beef broth, and chicken. And at $16 for a six-pack, it’s more expensive than most actual beer.

The next time you want to give your dog a special treat, strap on a latex glove and express the hell out of his anal glands. It’s cheaper and the dog won’t wonder why you’re always chugging beef broth when you watch TV after work.






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Contact drew at drew@toothpastefordinner.com or tweet him @TWTFSale.