8 June, 2019
8 June, 2019
16 May, 2019
You might be looking at the product packaging for Bowser Beer, wondering “How is it beer if it’s non-alcoholic and contains no hops?” The answer is: It’s not beer at all, it’s just a mixture of barley, beef broth, and chicken. And at $16 for a six-pack, it’s more expensive than most actual beer.
The next time you want to give your dog a special treat, strap on a latex glove and express the hell out of his anal glands. It’s cheaper and the dog won’t wonder why you’re always chugging beef broth when you watch TV after work.
7 May, 2019
Do you know why I pulled you over? Because I’m a dog and you made me wear a police costume.
4 March, 2019
Gerber Graduates seems to have embarked on a program to turn children off of meat by giving them the worst meat (turkey) blended with canola oil (the worst oil.) Years ago, I tried eating one to show my daughter that they were good, upset that she was not getting any meat in her diet, and almost puked all over her little head. It’s like someone left a Vienna Sausage, a single one, out in the fridge in a little puddle of water, so it picked up all the other flavors in the fridge. A little bit of pizza smell, a little bit of egg smell, and a big glob of flavorless spongemeat.
If you check the ingredients, the reason for this becomes obvious – these hellweiners are not just meat, but a blended mix of meat with whey protein, in case your child doesn’t already blow out farts that make your dog hungry.
Of course, all of this is sidestepping the fun fact that that canola oil comes from rapeseeds – which grow on a plant called rape – and “CANadian Oil Low Acidity” is a euphemism invented by the rapeseed industry because they couldn’t sell a food product called rape. (Also, the rape plant had to be genetically modified and specially-bred to be edible in the first place, since it naturally contains compounds which make it so bitter as to be inedible.)
Rapeseed oil is also full of erucic acid, an omega-9 fatty acid which may cause heart damage, so not only is it barely edible, but it’s possibly harmful to consume even in its current genetically-modified form.
Feeding your baby rape and milkmeat doesn’t sound like a good meal, which is probably why they labeled it “lil’ sticks.”
28 February, 2019
I wish there were an object you could get for cheap that smelled like wood and looked like a stick, for dogs to play with. Until some day when that mystical “real stick from any tree” shows up, we’ll have to use the $15 Petstages Durable Stick.
Customers note that the premise of this thing doesn’t even hold up – it seems that many dogs can easily gnaw the Durable Stick to shreds and eat it.
22 February, 2019
This DNA testing kit for dogs ($65) lets you send in a cheek swab from your dog to let you know what you should be doing to “make him happier and healthier.” Here, let me save you the money: Give him dog food and let him shit outside.