The Worst Things For Sale

This soap has “BUTT” on one side and “FACE” on the other. So you don’t get your butt germs on your face. Except that, according to studies, your face actually has more germs on it than your butt. Whoops!

The “Face Butt Towel” operates on the same principle, keeping your face germs from going on your butt. Even though you use a bath towel AFTER you wash. So I guess it keeps your face clean from getting on your butt clean.

My favorite of these items, though, is the “Face/Ass Sponge”, which not only doesn’t keep germs from your face and butt separate, but stores them inside the sponge, incubating them in your hot, moist shower for day after day, handy for redistribution onto the face or butt of your choice.

Are you a parent? Tired of your kids coloring things that have nothing to do with your boring taste in music? Then hand them the Indie Rock Coloring Book. Finally, you can pass your taste for soft, unobjectionable mush onto your progeny without all those wasted hours of making them shush while you listen to the ceiling speakers at Whole Foods.

“Only within the lines!” you’ll shout, grabbing their hand to stifle their creativity. “And muted colors. None of this bright stuff. This is indie rock. We’re not sellouts.” The only good thing about this whole idea is that your kids will grow up allergic to this adult-contemporary gruel and probably end up listening to rap.

Millions of people will purchase Call Of Duty: Whatever II next week, and who knows how many have already pre-ordered. If you haven’t played this, the objective is to shoot people. You shoot them over and over, and that’s it.

I’m simplifying this, of course. There’s a narrator who yells things like THEY GOT YOUR SAM TURRET! and SCAVENGER! And you can also kill people with unmanned drones and missiles. There are several game options, too, which let you run and shoot people, or try to stay in one place and shoot people.

It’s kind of fun, and it moves really fast, but the main mechanic of the game is that a new edition comes out every year, and you have to chuck your old Call Of Duty because everyone is playing the new one now. But what’s a yearly cost of $59 compared to the $700,000,000,000 we’ve spent invading Iraq and Afghanistan?

“A math problem? More like… NO problem! I’ve got an app for that on my iPad,” you say, pulling out your gigantic plastic calculator in the size and shape of an iPad.

No one will be able to tell that you’ve just got a calculator, except you, late at night, awash in the tears of shame your fraudulent lifestyle has sown.

I’m guessing the Obama’s Last Day Countdown Timer probably won’t be a big seller now that the election is over.

Or the Obama Out Of Office Countdown Calendar.

2,000 live mealworms for reptiles, birds, and fish? More like 2000 live mealworms for reptiles, birds, fish, and people who like a lot of protein that moves while it’s inside you being digested.

You have to like that one guy left a review saying “these aren’t as fancy as the mealworms I get from the pet store.” What’s a fancy mealworm? Does it come with a little monocle and know the difference between “who” and “whom?”

If you’re a baby, after a hard day of laying around and sucking tit, you probably need to relax with a baby jacuzzi. And if you’re going to sit in a jacuzzi, it had better be one that doesn’t work, and makes electronic sound effects so loud it really upsets your baby mind and makes you cry all to hell.

Also, it helps a lot if you have to put 10 big-ass batteries into it and it still doesn’t work.