The Worst Things For Sale

Drink plus clip equals DrinKlip. It’s a great way to attach your drink to a plastic clip, which may fall off or break, instead of setting it on the table.

The inventors of Bumper Dumper weren’t filling a consumer need by creating their product. They were following in the footsteps of The Basslet, Smencils, Carbage Can,   and Petchup by coming up with a name for Bumper Dumper, and then, for some reason, going ahead with the idea of letting people shit into a trailer hitch.

Long before anyone was coming up with fake treatments or preventatives for COVID, people were drinking their own urine. Suspiciously written by an author called “An Experienced Physician,” this book promises good health to all those who drink their own urine. If you prefer a urine book with an author who has a name, Your Own Perfect Medicine by Martha M. Christy claims more or less the same thing, plus a review from a lady who pissed on her husband’s “spastic toe,” claiming it worked wonders.

The Lewis N. Clark Urban Gear Spork is a stainless-steel folding spork. The lone review sadly points out that the spoon is too large, the tines of the fork are too rounded to pick up food, and the “knife” is a few serrations carved into the side of the spoon. Perhaps feeling sorry for the urban spork, they then gave it three stars.

The Stainless Steel Tactical Spork, a different product, isn’t much better, but it does come with a picture of the spork attached to the end of an assault rifle.

Pregnant women are one of the most coveted demographics for capitalists. You will ruin your child’s entire life forever if you don’t buy the right products while pregnant, and there’s no better driver of commerce than fear. Enter Mommee Coffee, the pregnant woman’s coffee. Sure, you could drink regular decaf or half-caf coffee when you’re pregnant, but why risk drinking something cheap and widely available?

At least it probably tastes better than Third Trimester Tea.

From the makers of Rapid Ramen comes Rapid Hot Dog Cooker, a plastic tray that is in no way simpler or faster than putting a hot dog on a plate and microwaving it for a minute.

These gloves hold a ten-ounce flask in each hand, for a total of twenty ounces of liquor.

“It’s not for liquor!” you tap out on your keyboard, your urge to be contrarian overwhelming your ability to type anything else. Nope, the manufacturer shows it with a bottle of Fireball.