The Worst Things For Sale

Let me save you the $1.69: you pull the boat to shore, have the seamen disembark, and eat them one by one.

As self-published sex books go, though, this one probably has the best fake author name.

The Skyjack ZB2044, currently available for a hair over $299,000, is described as “ideal for bridge construction.”

It weighs 45,000 pounds. If you’re wondering how much it costs to have one shipped to your house – they tell you exactly how much it costs, right here.

The same company sells a cheaper, smaller Telehandler as well, but let’s be honest: if you’re into bridge construction, you want the ZB2044.

There are hundreds, possibly thousands of devices to block EMF radiation, long-held in the medical scam community to be the source of every mental and physical problem an alive human could experience. Yet, the EarthPulse Sleep On Command Sleep System operates an EMF transducer directly below your head while you sleep, and the same quacks say it’s great, and works.

It’s not cheap, of course.

There’s also a similar “electromagnetic field therapy mat” which you unroll and lay on, or stand on, or sit on. It doesn’t really say! It’s almost exactly the same price as the sleep thing.

The PetPatch is an EMF transducer for your pets, which, thankfully, is an order of magnitude cheaper than the other two. It’s got me wondering, though – what if you installed a PetPatch and an eLink EMF Neutralizer crystal on your dog at the same time? I mean, nothing would happen, except the dog would try to take his necklace off, but it’s funny to imagine that any of these things exhibit any effect beyond reducing your bank balance.

This clock displays the first 12 digits of the Fibonacci sequence, instead of the actual time. It also says “Fibonacci Clock Made in USA” in the middle, in case you didn’t want someone to miss that you bought a clock that has the wrong numbers on it, but which references a numerical sequence.

I’ll make this short: no, coconut oil does not cure cancer, diabetes, or heart disease. It’s non-toxic, edible, and can moisturize your skin and hair, but it doesn’t make you lose weight or modulate the response of your immune system in any significant way.

It’s by scamlord Bruce Fife, the “Natural Doctor” (not Ph.D) who also wrote a book saying that swishing coconut oil in your mouth can cure arthritis and fibromyalgia.

I had the misfortune of trying several of Lester’s Fixins sodas this week. The most palatable of them was the Sweet Corn soda, above, which tasted like drinking the liquid from a can of canned corn. The Coffee soda tasted like sugar-water with just a whiff of coffee in it. The Buffalo Wing soda was a sickly-sweet combination of vinegary pepper-sauce and lemon.

The worst, though, was the Peanut Butter and Jelly soda, which tasted kind of like a dog spitting some old Mr. Pibb into your mouth. It was fake-grapey, with a hint of something menacing and rotten in there somewhere that lingered for hours after I’d brushed my teeth.

I guess if you order five-dollar single bottles of soda, you don’t get what you want, but you probably get what you ask for.

“Don’t waste money on a GoPro,” reads the actual title of this item. But if you’re going to go that far, why waste any money at all? Just tape your phone to your forehead. What you’re going to do with it after is anyone’s guess, though it’s probably the same thing you’d do if you had a baseball cap with a smartphone mount on it.