The Worst Things For Sale

“Safer than antibiotics,” says one reviewer of Flu Immune, unaware that influenza isn’t a type of bacteria, or that the vaccine to prevent it doesn’t contain antibiotics.

It’s terrible, but at least it’s not “ER 911″, which is a vial of some sort of liquid which the manufacturer claims will heal “emotional trauma.” Somehow, one reviewer of ER 911 claims that it healed her broken ankle. Another one dumps it in her pets’ water bowl.

The world of fake pregnancy tests is a terrible one. The comedy angle (above) is obviously fake, and most of the customers complain that it’s not believable. There’s a different one with a more believable name and packaging (you have to give them credit for naming it Right Time, because if you google “right time pregnancy test”, you’ll just pull up people asking about ovulation cycles.)

But we take a dark turn here, as there’s a company called Midstream which makes several “prank” pregnancy tests out of real ones which they’ve altered and resealed. “No bodily fluids used,” they brag in their altered First Response pee-test listing. There’s a couple others, including a rigged Equate brand pregnancy test, in case it’s more believable that you wouldn’t shell out for the name brand. I was a bit iffy on the morals of selling fake pregnancy tests to begin with, but actually trying to convince someone they’ve knocked you up is clearly over the line.

(Two lines, if you’re pregnant.)

I don’t know who would want a bag full of fake turds, but if you do, you can now buy them a “Sack Of Shit.” 

If they’re sensitive to the S-word, but they still want plastic feces, the same manufacturer makes “A Bag Of Poop.”

A different company makes Fake Poop In A Gift Box, but I can’t decide whether enclosing the turd in a golden box tied with a ribbon is better or worse than just throwing it in a bag.

The manufacturers of this absurdly-expensive plug claim that it’s an “EMF Neutralizer” which works across your entire house. That’s impossible, of course, because the main source of EMF in any house with electrical outlets is the 60Hz alternating current available in every room. But that doesn’t stop customers from recommending it to each other, with one even saying “I had my chiropractor test this out.”

If you’ve got a mental problem that makes you think phantom electrical signals are hurting your mind and body, then there’s a more expensive option: the Stetzerizer Microsurge Meter allows you to “measure” these signals. It claims to measure high-frequency noise and harmonics, but instead of reading out in THD (or another relevant unit) the device shows a three-digit number with no units. Despite this, it’s well-rated by its users, one of whom claims “I hear the filters literally zapping the dirty electricity.”

I don’t know the kind of person who collects creepy-ass monkey dolls, so I won’t speculate. But I’m guessing it’s the same kind of person who collects reborn baby dolls, which are incredibly realistic (and expensive) lifelike newborn babies. A whole mini-economy exists for these dolls, with collectors spending tens of thousands on dolls, parts, accessories, and some dedicating entire rooms of their house to fake babies.

While collecting realistic human dolls speaks of loss and loneliness, I can’t quite put my finger on what would drive you to buy a horrifying orangutan-baby-in-human-clothes doll. An excess of money could have easily been dumped into a new kitchen, a nice car, or a long-range aerial drone with GPS. You can’t send that orangutan up in the air to take bad-ass pictures of your neighborhood.

But, then again, you can’t get ebola from flying a sweet quadcopter. Strap on your animatronic chimpanzee head (with “sounds of the wild”) and get out there in the world and be a monkey’s mom.

No, not a knife that costs a half-dollar! It’s a way-too-expensive knife that LOOKS like a half dollar. Which isn’t really that covert, considering nobody carries around half-dollars these days.

I lied in the title, because “rage face” and all the other memes from 2010 are still around, and people are still trying to cash in on them. Do you want a “Forever Alone” statue for your desk? If you’re a dipshit, yes, and sure. How about a “Trollface” bobblehead? You can tap it, and watch it shake while you exchange low-grade arguments with other posters on Aggro-Gator, or whatever cesspool of stupid images you prefer. Slip on your giant cardboard Rage Face and life your best life, like a vision board from The Secret, only full of memes. It’s your life and you want to fill it with the bottom of the Internet’s big barrel.

None of these memes are to be confused with Meme The Midget Inflatable Love Doll, of course.