A lot of bar accessories are sold with the idea of “This is what they do in a REAL bar!” But the “Shot Tender” cannot make that claim, because bartenders set their bottles of liquor right-side up just like everyone else.

It could be that pouring your booze through a plastic table-clamp does something special, but I’ll never know. I’m not going to put my mouth on an ice luge ($22) to drink, either. As a matter of fact, if it weren’t possible for me to drink whiskey out of a regular glass in my house by myself, I probably wouldn’t drink at all. Call me what you want, I can’t hear you over how quiet and dignified my liquor is.

This bumpy carpet is over $1,300. Perfect for the design aficionado who appreciates great design, but not enough to not put a shitty TV on top of a stack of magazines in his empty white apartment.

The author of the book “Melanie’s Marvelous Measles” claims that measles and other childhood diseases are “not only benign, but good for children.”

I’d like to see her tell that to the members of my family who died of measles because they had the misfortune to get the disease before there was a vaccine. OH WAIT, SHE CAN’T, BECAUSE THEY ARE DEAD, BECAUSE OF MEASLES.

Here’s how memes work. First, a stupid thing gets popular on 4chan. Then it gets popular on Reddit. Then it gets popular on 9gag. Then it gets popular on Funnyjunk and the rest of the low-end lolscum sites.

And then, only then, it gets turned into soap.

This little thing is a “prank” which emits a random beep (or other sound) every 5 minutes. Since it does this so seldomly, it’s impossible to find if you’re looking for it. So, if someone’s put one of these in your home or office, you’ve either got to wait out the month until the battery dies, or you’ve got to go around on your hands and knees looking for it.

It’s not the worst thing in the world but it seems like the same kind of “prank” that frat guys do where they punch their girlfriend in the face and say it’s a prank. Putting tape on the bottom of someone’s optical mouse is a prank. Installing a beeping device in your workplace to make everyone else’s day worse all the time just means you’re an asshole, and when your coworkers find it, they’ll know it was you, because they already know you’re an asshole.

This tiny “wall safe” seems like a good idea, except for one glaring problem: Where am I going to hide all my electricity now that it’s full of pearls and money?

The manufacturers of this ten-pound bag of citric acid suggest it’s “a great alternative to salt.” In what way? The same way that an apple is an alternative to a plastic bucket?

The philosophical framework this sets up is intriguing, though, and leads me to ask: isn’t everything, except salt, an alternative to salt?