Monthly Archives: October 2016

Got goatse?



The perfect mug for someone who wants to combine a 23-year-old ad campaign with a 19-year-old “shock image” of a man’s butthole.

At work.

The Soylent Food Bar Might Kill You


Soylent, a product named after the fictional product Soylent from the movie “Soylent Green” (and originally the book “Make Room! Make Room!”) was to be a nutritional shake you would drink instead of eating meals. Even though such a thing already exists, “lifehackers” picked up the Soylent drink and ran with it, the idea being that our lives are so busy with work and leisure that food gets in the way. The company sold millions of dollars of Soylent, despite the fact that the product was initially made in a converted factory building that contaminated the powdered version of the product with mold and heavy metals.

A couple of years later, Soylent released Food Bar, the Repo Man-styled block of solid food that enables you to… uh… not eat food, I guess. This product also obviously exists in every gas station and supermarket on the planet, usually in the form of a protein bar. But this didn’t stop the lifehackers, who bought it, and ate it, despite it making them ill. Some users vomited after consuming Food Bar, some had diarrhea, and the luckiest Food Bar consumers experienced both. The company insists this is due to everyone having an intolerance to one of the ingredients, while many users suspect contamination of Food Bar has led to Food Poisoning. They continue to eat Food Bar, tracking their horrifying symptoms in spreadsheets, unaware that being tricked into sickness by a company telling them they don’t have to eat food might not have increased their productivity after all.

Bunk Bed Cots

bunk-bed-cotsFor those times in your life when you not only need to sleep on a collapsible cot, but you need to sleep on a collapsible cot with someone two feet above you on the same collapsible cot, there is The Bunk Bed Cot. The manufacturer brags that it transforms into a couch (see their pic here,) but to me, the couch looks like an illustration of what happens when a collapsible cot collapses.

My Broom Broke Now I Drive Tractor


In a world of “This Is My Costume” t-shirts, the “My Broom Broke Now I Drive Tractor” t-shirt stands out as being particularly weird. Why do you “drive tractor” and not drive a tractor? Why is a witch who drives tractor wearing a shirt that says I’m a witch who drives tractor? Why is the witch farming a dead tree and a gravestone? Did the witch drive tractor before or after becoming an ophthalmic medical technician?

Carmageddon: Max Damage


In the late 90s, I played the original Carmageddon quite a bit. There weren’t a lot of games for Macs of that era, and it was surprisingly fast and fun. So when I saw that there was a new Carmageddon, I grabbed it immediately, and what followed was worse than No Man’s Sky. No matter which corny-ass car you choose, it drives like a minivan on ice, unable to accelerate without pulling to one side, and unable to take corners at any speed. As the announcer shouts “Rectum” over and over to a chug-chug nu-metal soundtrack (“wrecked ‘em”, ha ha,) the screen flashes with weirdly backwards phrases like “RIGHT UP YOUR ARSE!” and “SMASH THEIR BITCH UP!”

It’s tempting to think the game somehow got ruined, but I suspect it was never good, and that the radiance of my own youth colored even the assiest of computer games with a rainbow of promise.

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