A golden penis, and a golden pair of breasts, bolted to trophy stands, each festooned with a red-white-and-blue ribbon. They’re pixellated here not because I find them offensive, but because your boss might. You can see them in their naked trophy glory on the original listings if you like.

They’re “frequently bought with” this statue of two bananas fucking, because this world is a toilet, and we’re swirling, slowly but surely, with all the other turds.

I wrote about Himalayan Salt Lamps before, pointing out that they have no legitimate health benefits. (Any claims of “ions”, positive or negative, are almost always indicative of a scam.) But earlier this month, the US Product Safety Commission issued a recall notice for 80,000 salt lamps of 3 different brands, because they’re prone to overheating and causing fires.

(The fires are not caused by ions, for what that’s worth.)

(hand over heart) I have found the most American jacket of all time.

Lion’s Mane, the main non-coffee ingredient in this mixture of instant coffee and powdered mushrooms, doesn’t have any proven cognitive benefit. It does damage your liver, though, so apart from the fact that customers say it tastes like shit, you should probably avoid ingesting Lion’s Mane unless you’re some sort of warlock.

This little packet of crap includes a deed to a square foot of land in Scotland, supposedly giving you the right to be called “Lord,” and granting you ownership. Unfortunately, this practice is explicitly outlawed in Scotland, meaning that your deed is meaningless. Not that any rational person would want to call himself Lord, anyway.

The Matter And Form 3D Scanner is a great idea. You throw a small object into it, and it’ll turn scan it into a 3D file that you can edit on your computer, and then print with a 3D printer. Except that it doesn’t work, rendering dark areas as holes, and shiny or transparent areas as scrambled garbage. The customer reviews include a guy who covered his scanned objects in flour to get them to scan correctly, and someone noting that the scanner scans the scanner itself, adding the rotating platform to your 3D file as part of the model.

Whether you call it lean, purple, sizzurp, or drank, the abuse of codeine-promethazine cough syrup is famous in the world of rap. It’s prescription-only, so naturally, manufacturers have created imitation-lean mixtures with melatonin, kava kava, and 5-HTP, which are all available over the counter and make you tired. Actright Sizzurp isn’t the only one. There’s also Hi-Tek Purple Haze 2x, Legal Lean, and a product actually named Purple Drank.

Of course, as happens in 21st-century America in general, the pharmaceutical companies win this battle, with the diphenhydramine (Benadryl)-loaded purple ZzzQuil syrup available online and off.